Lost on a Loop Trail: Imitating humanity so abominably

What follows is the first paragraph of a college admissions essay I asked the artificial intelligence program ChatGPT to write for me.

As a high school student, I have always been drawn to the idea of working in the field of archaeology. While many of my classmates dream of becoming doctors or lawyers, I have always been drawn to the idea of exploring the past and uncovering the secrets that have been hidden beneath the earth for centuries.

Not bad, huh? You likely would have never known a program wrote this unless I told you. And that’s what some people are worried about — not being able to tell if the author is made up of blood and bones or circuit boards and transistors.

It may surprise you, but I’m not worried at all that AI will end my career as a writing instructor. To show you why, let me tell you about a student, I’ll call him Dan, who I worked with many years ago on his college admissions essay.

I started our conversation by asking him what he did for a summer job.

“I use a backhoe to dig graves for the town cemetery. Not really interesting, huh?”

“What? You dig graves?”

“Yup. I dig the grave before the funeral begins and then I stand far away and watch the funeral until it’s over and everyone has left,” Dan explained.

“And after everyone has left, you’re the last person to see the coffin?”

“Yup.”

“I don’t want to put words into your mouth. But I have to believe you’ve thought a lot about death and dying and what it all means. Am I right?”

Dan looked away and cast a glance out the window, long enough for a couple of my mortal heartbeats to tick by. Then he looked back at me.

“Yes, I’ve thought about it. I …”

Dan went on to write a great college essay. It was great because it was original and offered a personal perspective about death that only a human teenager could have written.

You read the introduction above, so what follows now is the concluding paragraph of AI’s attempt to write a college essay from the perspective of a student who works at a cemetery and buries the dead with a backhoe. It didn’t have a title, so I gave it one after reading it: “I Didn’t Know Exhuming the Dead Without a Court Order Was a Felony.”

Overall, my experience as a grave excavator and refiller was incredibly rewarding. Not only did I learn a lot about the process of burying and exhuming the dead, but I also gained valuable skills in problem-solving and attention to detail. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to turn my passion for archaeology into a real-life job, and I am excited to continue exploring the secrets of the past in the future.

Maybe it’s just me, but if I was looking for someone to dig graves with a backhoe, I’d be wary of hiring a candidate who expressed an interest in archaeology, exhuming the dead, and “exploring the secrets of the past.” Each one would be a red flag — actually, a giant red banner the size of a movie theater screen.

Ultimately, what’s missing most from AI’s writing is something it can never fully express — and that is our humanity.

By the way, only a human could have written the classic children’s book “Goodnight Moon” because only a human knows what it’s like to put a child to bed.

So goodnight, soulless machine I use to type these words.

Goodnight, everyone.

Gregory Greenleaf lives in Harpswell and teaches high school English. He ascribes, prescribes and subscribes to many old-fashioned ideas, but especially Charles Dickens’ observation that “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”

Complete essay by ChatGPT

This past summer, I had the opportunity to turn my passion (archaeology) into a job when I was hired as a grave excavator and refiller for a local funeral home. At first, I was a little hesitant about the job, as I had never really thought about the process of burying and exhuming the dead before. But as I began to work, I quickly realized that this was a fascinating and rewarding line of work.

One of the most interesting parts of my job was the actual excavation process. Before a grave could be dug, I had to carefully locate the exact spot where the body would be buried. This involved using a variety of tools, including shovels, trowels, and even ground-penetrating radar to locate any underground obstacles. Once the grave was dug, I had to carefully remove any debris or obstructions that might interfere with the burial process.

Another important part of my job was filling in the grave after the funeral. This involved carefully compacting the soil and making sure that the grave was level and properly marked. I learned a lot about the importance of attention to detail and precision in this part of the job, as even the smallest mistake could have serious consequences.