Gregory Greenleaf

On the floor in my office, placed next to my writing chair for inspiration, is a can of cranberry sauce. If it has been a while since you've held one, you might not have noticed that the label is printed upside down. This orientation makes grocery stores have to stack the cans with the can opener end facing down so shoppers can read the label right-side up.

Out of concern, dear reader, for your quality of life, not everything I write actually makes it to print. If you have a creative hobby or job, you will understand what I mean.

When I first came across the word "onboarding," I had to look it up. I thought it had something to do with getting on board a boat, but I was wrong. Instead, the word means to prepare a new employee to work in a company. Corporate America birthed this term into existence in the 1990s and, over time, it has replaced the word "orientation."

The first time it happened was in the fall of 1996, upon returning from our honeymoon in Quebec City and opening the door to our Bangor apartment.

Like yours, there is ample room in my head for inflation of my ego. And the quickest way to get a firm and plump ego — just at the tipping point of bursting — is to be labeled a prodigy.

DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Thank you, your honor. Members of the jury, you have heard the testimony and reviewed the evidence. You will shortly decide whether my client is guilty of three counts of over-accessorizing his bed by placing too many pillows on it.

Let's begin with a dream sequence that finds me sitting at a table in a restaurant in Venice, Italy. In my dream I speak fluent Italian.

I'm on findagrave.com, the site where you can, well, find a grave. The photo of the tombstone on my screen is gray and rather tall and narrow, like a nail clipper. OK, maybe that's a forced simile, but it fits this moment nicely.

"Do I have anything between my teeth?" Allison asks. She is preparing to go to the gym and has just eaten a poppy seed bagel for breakfast. I am sitting at the kitchen counter, also eating a poppy seed bagel. As I munch on my own bagel, she stands before me and gives me a radiant smile that allows me a good view of all her teeth.