“You’re doing it wrong,” Bobby says.
“I am? There is a right way?” I ask, mystified that I’m actually having this conversation.
“Yes,” Bobby replies.
I am having lunch with my co-workers and have just started to peel a banana. My process of banana peel separation is to hold the unpeeled banana out in front of me, pinch the stem with my other hand, and pull a side of the peel away.
“Your method,” Bobby points out, “mushes the top of the banana.”
“What other way is there?” I ask, still mystified that I’m actually having this conversation.
“Here’s how you do it,” Bobby says, taking my banana. He refolds the single banana peel I had unfolded back into place, holds the middle of the banana with both hands, and gently twists the banana like he is holding a Rubik’s Cube and has reached the point where one slow, final, satisfying turn will line up all the colors.
A slit opens along the center and, with two fingers, Bobby widens it apart and pulls the undamaged banana from the middle of the peel.
“You just delivered my banana by C-section,” I say.
“It’s how monkeys do it,” Bobby says.
***
The idea that there is a right way to peel a banana and a wrong way to peel a banana occupies my thoughts for the rest of the day. Who gets to decide? Monkeys? Seeking out an authority on banana peeling, I visit the homepage of Chiquita, the banana company. A quick search of the site brings me to a page where I learn that there are, in fact, seven ways to peel a banana. Whether one way is better than another is unclear — but I do see my method of choice is the first entry: Peel from the stem. If that way, my way, doesn’t sound a-peel-ing, Chiquita suggests “peel upside down” or “snap in the middle” or perform “the banana twist” (like monkeys do) or grab a knife and do “the banana ‘split,'” or “cut the stem” so you won’t smush the top, or take the banana and “crack it like a whip.”
“Crack it like a whip,” Chiquita says, “is a fun and novel way to open a banana — but it gets the job done! Grasp the stem firmly in your dominant hand, with the banana curve facing towards you, and then make a gesture as if you’re cracking a whip. The stem should snap taking a sliver of peel with it, leaving you with the easy task of removing the rest of the peel.”
Sadly, all my attempts to find videos of people cracking the whip with a banana come to nothing. I can find only videos of people cracking a real whip. No one, it seems, wants to be first to post a video of themselves peeling a banana that makes everyone think they’re viewing a former circus ringmaster who has gone insane.
***
There are many right ways and wrong ways to go about things. I understand that if I ever get lost in the woods, the right thing to do will be to stop and sit down and wait for help to arrive. And if, while I’m waiting for help to arrive, I encounter a bear, the wrong thing to do would be to run away.
But there are other times, other moments, when we should rejoice in the opportunity to act however we want. Maybe it’s how we peel a banana or apologize, or hold a loved one’s hand as we walk Mile Beach at Reid State Park.
Sometimes, I think, there are actions we take that cannot be done wrong.
I might have written this column the wrong way, but let’s hope with a little luck, things will turn out alright in the end — and you and I won’t ever slip on any banana peels.
