“If you could be granted the power to fly or the power of invisibility, which one would you choose and why?”
I recently listened to an old episode of the “This American Life” radio show. The theme for the hour was superpowers. Responding to the question about flying or invisibility, a good number of those surveyed said that though they would prefer invisibility, they would choose flying instead. In themselves, they recognized their own superpower of moral corruption and could clearly see the ethical lines invisibility would tempt them to cross.
Those who leaned toward invisibility asked some good questions. Would they leave footprints in the mud or snow? Would they be spotted by thermal imaging cameras? Likewise, many who chose the ability to fly did not leap to that decision without first asking how fast they could go. If it was 5 mph or less, some preferred to walk or ride a bike. If they were able to fly superfast, they speculated they would get cold and would have to wear layers in the late fall and lots of wool in the deep winter.
Rather than flying, invisibility, spider powers, porcupine powers or any of the other superhero powers I read about in comic books and see on the big screen, I selfishly admit I’m more interested in acquiring one or more of the impractical/practical powers listed below. If I have to suffer a freak chemical accident, let me walk away from it with the ability to …
- Figure out in seconds which bulb is causing the string of holiday lights to not turn on.
- Always put on shirts the right way so I am never told I’m wearing my shirt inside out.
- With the power of telekinesis, levitate and place clumps of cat litter into a bag while standing 20 feet away from the litter box.
- Turn all the traffic lights green when I’m going to and returning from Cook’s Corner.
- Go to the store and never have to check inside an egg carton to see if any eggs are broken because I will just know.
- Always wake up after, not before, my morning alarm goes off.
- Inflate balls, tires and pool toys with my pinkie.
- Not gag when I cross paths with blue cheese dressing.
- Compel drivers who develop road rage to instead roll down their window and sing, at the top of their voice, “Rainbow Connection.”
- Never lose that “I’m home!” feeling when I cross the Kittery bridge back into Maine.
- Design a wheat flake that does not ricochet poured milk back at me and onto my clothes.
- Select, on the first try, the right plastic lid for the right plastic bowl.
- Eat raw cookie dough and never come down with salmonella food poisoning.
- Find a way through Wiscasset in the summer without going through Wiscasset.
- Switch my car speedometer to kilometers and actually know how fast I am driving in miles per hour.
- Calculate an acceptable ratio for town population density and mattress stores.
- Shake hands and always give the firmer handshake.
- Make balloon animals that even impress clowns.
- Intuitively know not to turn off the television just before my favorite sports team is about to make an impossible comeback.
- Cast a pins-and-needles feeling in the feet of strangers who talk on their cellphones while riding with me in an elevator.
- Employ mind control and coerce the good folks who run the Harpswell Anchor to put my column on the front page.
What practical/impractical superpower would you like to have? Let me know by posting a comment on the Anchor Facebook page when this article is posted. Until then … up, up and AWAY … at a comfortable speed of 32.2 kph (20 mph) on a warm, sunny day.
Gregory Greenleaf lives in Harpswell and teaches high school English. He ascribes, prescribes and subscribes to many old-fashioned ideas, but especially Charles Dickens’ observation that “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”
