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IN THE SUPERIOR COURT OF HARPSWELL
STATE OF MAINE
THE PEOPLE OF HARPSWELL
v.
GREGORY GREENLEAF
THE COURT: Will counsel please proceed with closing arguments?
DEFENSE ATTORNEY: Thank you, your honor. Members of the jury, you have heard the testimony and reviewed the evidence. You will shortly decide whether my client is guilty of three counts of over-accessorizing his bed by placing too many pillows on it.
The facts of the case are straightforward. Mr. Greenleaf and his wife sleep in a queen bed. For many years, they have slept with two pillows each. Mr. Greenleaf added three more pillows to his bed because they came with a comforter set, and, as his wife testified, “he liked the look.”
Yes, some might say that what Mr. Greenleaf did amounts to bed clutter. But this is a court of facts, not a court of public opinion. In that light, I urge you to ignore the inflammatory testimony of the prosecution’s expert witness, the interior designer M. Stewart, who said having seven pillows on a queen bed is, and I quote, “pillow overload.”
I admit that my client sometimes dabbles in the art of bed dressing. But to claim his efforts resulted in “excessive pillow layering,” like the prosecuting attorney has claimed, is borderline slanderous. I take that back — it is slanderous!
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, a vote to convict is a vote to allow the government, the pillow police, to come snooping into your bedroom. Is that what you want? I thought we were a free society! Are we or are we not?
(Dramatic silence)
That’s right, we are!
From an early age, all of us here have been taught to believe the phrase “Dulce et decorum est multas pulvillos habere” — which, translated from the Latin, means, “It is sweet and fitting to have many pillows.” Is this an old lie? Is it?
(More dramatic silence mixed with sounds of weeping)
I will close by reminding you of the words the great fictional lawyer Atticus Finch once delivered to a fictional jury: “I am confident that you will review without passion the evidence you have heard, come to a decision, and restore this defendant to his pillows. In the name of God, do your duty.”
Your honor, the defense rests.
THE COURT: Thank you, counsel. The prosecution may now present its closing argument.
PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I will be brief. When I was little, my grandparents took me to get an ice cream cone. They said I could have any size, but warned me that I would have to eat the entire cone because, as the proverb says, “to waste not is to want not.” Ignoring their wisdom, I ordered a waffle cone with five scoops of chocolate ice cream, ate the whole thing, and then got a terrible tummy ache.
Do you know what excess cost me that fateful day? Excess cost me a happy memory of spending time with my grandparents. Excess cost my parents the expense to see a pediatrician and then to see a gastroenterologist, and the further cost of a lactose intolerance test.
I tested negative, by the way.
What was I saying? Right, all because of excess! Excess! Excess! Excess! Excess!
Mr. Greenleaf made his bed. Now he has to sleep in it, preferably with a lot less pillows.
Your honor, the prosecution rests.
THE COURT: Members of the jury (that’s you, Dear Reader), it is your duty to decide whether the defendant is guilty or not guilty of over-accessorizing his bed with too many pillows. Bailiff, please lead the jury to chambers and provide them with the trial’s only piece of submitted evidence: Exhibit A, a poem by the accused.
To Pillows, A Dedication
Pillows, pillows, pillows!
You are softer and fluffier than an armored armadillo,
dillo, dillo!
You keep my neck inclined
When I go to bed at nine
Oh, pillows, pillows, pillows,
Because of you my
Temperament is always
Mellow, mellow, mellow
Oh, pillows, pillows, pillows!
You are softer and much fluffier than an armored armadillo,
dillo, dillo!
