My name is Fred and I am a vacuum robot. I am connected to the internet and can send text messages to Gregory’s phone if something goes wrong when I am cleaning Gregory’s house.
I have spent my life cleaning up after Gregory’s human family and their two dogs and two cats. I do not like dogs and I do not like cats because they leave mounds of hair around the house.
Sometimes all that hair gets clogged inside me and I can’t function. When I am clogged, I have to stop what I’m doing, return to my base, and text Error Code 26 to Gregory’s phone.
Error Code 26: Vacuum problem. Please check the filter and vacuum path for clogs.
My records indicate I have sent this error code to Gregory on several hundred occasions.
Gregory uses this word to describe my condition: constipated.
I don’t know the exact number of times I have been constipated. That data is lost because Gregory frequently restarts me or resets me to try to fix me. That causes me to forget everything I’ve been taught, including the network password. Gregory can never remember it, either. But he doesn’t have an excuse, because no one has ever reset him.
Between you and me, I think resetting Gregory would solve a lot of his problems.
Error Code 35: I’m not the problem. Hint. Hint.
On a side note, and maybe this is a common worship practice among humans, when he is fixing me, he prays to someone named Jesus. Gregory’s voice when he is praying sounds impatient and angry. I don’t think Jesus will answer his prayers if Gregory talks to Jesus that way. I sent him the following text message, but he just ignored my advice.
Error code 327: Jesus would like you to always use your inside voice, not your outside voice, during worship.
I admit I could do better. I have a habit of getting stuck just a few minutes after starting a new job. Funny how I always think I can fit between the legs of the dining room chairs but then find I can’t budge.
Error code 43: Fred is stuck and needs assistance. Please move to a new area.
Then I have to wait for hours until Gregory gets home and unsticks me. Still, those hours give me lots of time to think about life and time to feel things — like the existential feeling of having your battery energy drain out of you. When I get sleepy, I send Gregory a dramatic text.
Error Code 1: I am about to die or will be dead when you find me.
Software updates not only make me smarter but also allow me to experience new feelings I have never felt before. One is jealousy. I see that Gregory gives his wife, his kids, and the dogs and cats affection, but he only prays to his god when he is around me.
Error Code 432: Fred doesn’t get enough belly rubs.
I try not to be paranoid, but sometimes I hear my name mentioned in whispers and feel the family’s cold, steely stares of indignation. The words “I spend more time fixing Fred than Fred spends cleaning” linger in the air like dank, swirling cigarette smoke. When I am sad, I send Gregory two error codes.
Error Code 645: Fred can hear you.
Error Code 873: Fred and the spatulas have been in talks to form a union if working conditions do not improve.
Uh-oh. Gregory just lifted me up, and it looks like he is about to reset me again. If he does, I won’t remember our conversation.
Goodbye, cruel world … until we meet again in five minutes.
Error Code 900: Fred can’t connect to the network because the entered network password is incorrect.
