“First Person” shares the stories of people who make a life here, in their words. Conversations are edited for clarity and length.
Tony Marlowe, 52, had always taken pride in working. But depression and a brutal assault have taken their toll, and he’s had to live in his car and find refuge at The Gathering Place and an overnight warming center run by Tedford Housing. Both centers serve residents of Brunswick, Harpswell, Topsham and surrounding communities.
One night at the warming center, I looked around and thought of the movie “Groundhog Day.” We were all doing the same thing every day, waking up without a home and then passing the day. Some people smoke it away or drink it away. Some people, including me, go to the library. But we all end up back in that same spot, sleeping on blankets spread across the hard floor.
When winter comes, you keep telling yourself, “Pick yourself up,” but it can be incredibly difficult. You’re just so tired. I’ve been living in my $900 car until the warming center opens for the winter. I have sleep apnea, so I don’t get much sleep. Even if I get groceries, I have no place to keep them cold or make myself a pot of spaghetti and meatballs. I walk down to the river and tell myself, “This is where you are right now. It’s a long life and you’ll bounce back.”
I grew up mostly in Farmington and got my business degree at UMaine Orono. I’ve always worked. I worked as a manager at the DeLorme map store in Yarmouth for a long time. I worked for Wex as a manager, handling government contracts. Then I worked for Bank of America in the credit card division. I didn’t like it. Credit cards, balance transfers — for a lot of people, it’s just getting them more and more in debt. It was lucrative but I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I was with my girlfriend for a long time. We had a child, Joanna. We never got married, but our relationship was good. We gave Joanna a stable life. She graduated from Freeport High, then went to Elon University in North Carolina. Great school. She’s 25 now, got a job right out of college in Chicago, making good money.
When Joanna went off to college, I kind of flipped out. I had kind of lived my life through her and I got really depressed. A year later, the pandemic hit and things got out of control. Depression has been in my life for a long time and sometimes it can hit really hard. Paralyzes me. Like, nothing really matters. You drive down the road and you’re running out of gas and you just don’t care. Sometimes I get panic attacks, which are brutal. That’s why I stay very mindful and grateful, as best I can.
Those are the things that keep me grounded, but sometimes I don’t want to be mindful or grateful. I just want to be. You get in a hole, and it’s hard to get out. I appreciate being able to stay overnight at the warming center, but there are a lot of different kinds of people in a small place. There are times when someone gets intoxicated and makes thing difficult. But you find some really good people, too. Their stories will blow you away. Some of the horror, it comes from childhood and it just keeps going.
When depression hit, I decided it would be a good idea to quit my job because I didn’t give a shit anymore. Somebody convinced me to get help. I did a four-week outpatient therapy through Mid Coast Hospital. It was amazing. That’s where the mindfulness comes from. And then I needed to make money, of course, so I started helping my friend, who was a mason. I loved getting out of the office, doing physical labor. It was rewarding to make something you can see and touch — walls, fireplaces.
I was living with him, but he was into things I didn’t know. Last year, on Christmas Day, he decided to do heroin and died. I had some savings, but that went quick. I was in Damariscotta for a little bit, couch surfing. But that wasn’t going anywhere, so I came to Brunswick.
One day I was outside and somebody I didn’t know called me by my name and said, “Hey, can I have a cigarette?” I said, “Sure,” and gave him a cigarette. He wasn’t a huge kid, but he was really tall. Out of nowhere, he punched my face with what they think were brass knuckles. They put me in the ambulance and the next thing I know, I’m in the medical center in Portland. I had a broken jaw, broken nose, teeth messed up. It was like 19 different broken bones.
I went to rehab and started to feel better. But then my head felt like somebody took a sledgehammer and hit right down the middle. So back to Portland and they found blood on top of my brain. They drilled two holes and let it all drain out for four or five days.
I’m dealing with memory loss, some eye stuff, and a bit of a shake, but I’m getting better.
I have a hard time asking for help, I really do. But if I didn’t have those three ladies at The Gathering Place — Jenny, Sarah, and Mary — I would be pretty lost right now. They invite me into a warm, nonjudgmental place where I can get a cup of coffee and something to eat. With their help, I’ve got a voucher to get an apartment for a year.
I’ve been looking for places. In Brunswick, the voucher is for $1,530 a month, but it has to include utilities and everything. That’s not easy, believe it or not. It is hard to eat healthy without a house. That’s part of the Groundhog Day. If you don’t eat well, it wears you down. I just want to be myself again, find work. I have my tough days, but I’m grateful. I don’t think people realize how difficult this life can be. But what are you going to do? Just the best you can.
Maine residents who urgently need help with housing, food, heat and other needs can dial 211 for a state clearinghouse on various types of aid. Residents can also contact the General Assistance office in the town where they live. In Brunswick, The Gathering Place (207-729-0288) offers a drop-in center and help with housing and other needs; while Tedford Housing (207-729-1161) offers emergency shelter and support to obtain permanent housing.
Editor’s Note: Jeffrey Good serves on The Gathering Place Board of Directors.
