Like most of us, I can be caught out among other humans sporting a less-than-elegant appearance, but most of the time I’m at least presentable. I’m aware, though, that my desire to be squared away when out and about puts me into a shrinking minority of out-and-abouters.
It’s pretty obvious everywhere that, with all of the demands on our time today, there is little to none set aside to concern ourselves with neatness of dress. Moreover, I think I may be one of the few to notice this public lack of personal pride, because nobody else is paying attention to anything but the 3-by-5 screen in their hands. These are the obliviots of our time, and I suggest you keep your distance lest one of them hands you their phone and asks you to take their photo in the express “14 items or fewer” checkout lane.
How did 14 become the upper limit for the “express” lane? Why not a recognized, normal group quantity like an octad or a score?
Where were we when this was voted on?
Because of the public’s near-universal obsession with cellphones, in order to get noticed these days, one needs something irregular about his or her appearance — something attention-getting like purple hair or stainless hardware stabbed in the face.
Don’t think you can pull off either of those? The hugely popular slovenly appearance fits right in with this crowd and seems to be the standard for the 21st century. It is trendy and trendy sells, no matter how frowzy the look.
Doubt me? Check the price for jeans that look exactly like used, torn and worn-out Levi’s. Paying a premium for the privilege of having somebody else wear out my new clothes seems not only financially irresponsible but, at the same time, the very exemplar of laziness.
Speaking of trends, I just received another new catalog from L.L. Bean. In it I find the same thing I’ve seen in other clothing catalogs. Somewhere along the evolutionary line we’ve lost the ability to finish what we start when it really counts. I’m talking specifically about getting dressed.
For example, I still tuck in my shirts. All the way around. Notice the models in your clothing catalogs tuck in a shirt, any shirt, just in the front, behind the belt buckle, with the rest of the hem hanging loosely as if they just barely missed being caught with the neighbor’s wife. What’s up with that? It looks as stupid as a backward baseball cap on a grown man, unless said dude is a welder or a baseball catcher doing his job.
One doesn’t have to spend a great deal in order to look hip to current styles and trends. An old set of Calvin and Hobbes pajamas is just the ensemble for the weekly trip to Wally World. It never occurred to me that children’s clothes are also made for grownups, and if it had, I probably would have thought that such things are made for theater, not real, live adults. It seems the older I get, the wronger I can be.
If you really want to be a first-class example of contemporary aesthetics, get some flannel PJs with cartoon characters on them. I guarantee that those not staring at their cellphones will tell their grandchildren about the time the hippest person they ever saw showed up bold as brass in the children’s department of a Wal-Mart in Maine rocking some awesome PJs.
Fellas, please be advised that “relaxed fit” is a euphemism for “baggy.” You don’t need a catalog to find clothes that don’t fit. And the good news is that clothes that do fit are usually the same price as those that don’t. You’re welcome.
Thankfully, most of the young guys around here have discovered that showing off their skivvies is an effective contraceptive inasmuch as it repels many potential mates, not counting those who expose their underwear and more for all to admire. I assume we are to admire the undies of others. Why else would they be so proudly displayed while foraging in the wilds of Target or Market Basket?
By show of hands, how many of you have the tools to properly shine your shoes?
OK then, let’s start with an easier one. How many of you have shoes?
We could say it’s a fashion trend, this oddly voguish dress. I suppose this style might work right up until the first important job interview. The HR interviewers I have known would never be bold enough to ask you if your 6-year-old niece dressed you this morning, but I bet there are times they want to.
I don’t have a 6-year-old niece. If you see me in public, you may correctly believe that what I look like is my own fault. Most of the time. If I seem to be particularly well dressed, it’s a solid bet that my wife was home to make sure of it.
